I'm sitting at home on a Friday night bored out of my mind.  The wee one has been playing and imagining in her room since we got home this afternoon and is much to busy to be bothered with her mommy.  Josh is playing Fable II and a couple of his friends are over doing D&D stuff.  I've been playing stupid facebook games most of the afternoon, and I'm tired of them.

I want to go out and do something, but we're ass broke and I don't have a sitter.  I'm not bitter or upset about anything, just PMSing and bored as shit.

Blah. I think bedtime is in order.

My sister-in-law is upset with me now.  Here's what happened:  Weeks ago, she asked me what we were doing for Christmas.  My reply was "I don't know, probably what we did last year, Josh's mom or dad Christmas Eve, my mom's Christmas morning, and whichever of his parent's we didn't go do Christmas Eve, we'd go there Christmas Day at some point"

She took this to mean solidly: Josh's dad's Christmas Eve, his mom's sometime Christmas Day.

And made all of her family's Christmas plans around that conversation.  Going so far as to tell Josh's parents (read: his crazy mother) about when we would be at her house.

Josh's mom called us last night in a rage.  She had planned on doing her dinner and stuff Christmas Eve and thought we were trying to undermine her plans and whatnot.  She ranted at Josh's brother, at me, and at Sheila, my sister-in-law.

Anyway, I get Josh's mom diffused, then Sheila calls me upset because she had made their plans around what I had said IN PASSING, without confirming with anyone, and now because of the "change" in plans, won't be able to see her parents for Christmas.  She's pissed at me, I spent 2 hours crying last  night because I feel like I've lost a sister.

I sent her a text trying to apologize.  We had to attend a Christmas party today, and I tried to make up with her, and she gave me the cold shoulder the whole time we were there.

Not to mention, she's pregnant, so all this could possibly be chalked up to her hormones and she'll get over it eventually.  I love her dearly, so that's what I'm really hoping for.  Blah.  I hate the holidays anymore.

Before I met Josh, I went one place:  My parents' house.  There wasn't all this running around trying to appease the gods of the in-laws.  I hate it.  I resent it, but I have to deal with it.  

Current Mood: sad

I've got internet back, and I'm thrilled. I get to go through Oona's posts, catch up on my LOLcats and generally be connected again. Life is good.

I am so not happy today.  My daughter went to stay with my mom yesterday.  Soooo, Josh and I had the house to ourselves.  Do you think we did anything fun?  No...he sat in the living room playing one game while I sat on the computer and played another game.  At one point during the evening, walk over to him and I say "man, we really are a geeky couple.  Have the house to ourselves and all we can think of to do is play video games".  Him: "well, that's just what we enjoy doing".

I sit and think on this for a while.  It's what he enjoys doing, but I want to do something together.  I find a website with some funny pics and I'm looking through it.  He comes over and sits with me for a while, and we spend a couple of hours looking at funny pics.  Finally we go to bed.  We're having a little bit of a tickle fight, when I once again say "wow, we are so unromantic.  You realize we had the house to ourselves all day and didn't take advantage of it.  Would have been nice had we done something together."  His response: "We do stuff together all week."

This resulted in me rolling over, trying not to cry and trying not to lash out at him horribly.  I told him that I want to go out and do stuff, have a romantic dinner, anything.  He says:  "I thought we were trying to be frugal.  Besides, isn't gaming what we enjoy?"  I tell him that I enjoy other stuff, that I really want to do romantic stuff.  Then I mutter something about "this isn't working anymore.  Our interests are just too different."  After which he says "WAitaminit, what?"  I just said "Nevermind", and shut up, then went to sleep.

We had the morning to ourselves as well.  He did nothing to redeem the situation.  He's at band practice right now and part of me is thinking about leaving a "Dear Josh" letter and finding a new place to live.  I can't deal with this anymore.

Current Mood: depressed

Life, in a word, sucks.  We are completely and totally broke.  I had to change my hours at work to work around Elizabeth's school schedule, but I'm not only getting about 5 or 6 hours a day.  That is NOT paying the bills.  I've exhausted every loan source possible to try to make ends meet.  I've been looking for a 2nd part time job for evenings, but no one around where I live is hiring.  I applied to an insurance company as a customer service rep last week and have yet to hear from them.  I'm getting horrible migraines on a daily basis, my knee hurts so bad the majority of the time I can barely walk, and I hate my job right now because we're busy which means I have to be out in the warehouse on said bad knee on a daily basis.

I've been tossing the idea around of moving back in with my mom.  I love my husband but he still (after 4 years) doesn't have his priorities straight.  He's starting to get overtime at work, but instead of wanting to apply it to bills, he wants to put it toward the cd his band is releasing in a couple of months.  Our electric is about to be turned off, I've had to take out loans from my boss and a cash advance place, and he's trying to put out a cd.  Don't get me wrong, I love that he has a hobby he enjoys, but the band is never going to be big.  They're never going to be signed and have a national tour.  They play local bars once every couple of months.  The only people who come ot their shows are our friends.

He's not very good with my daughter either.  He has no patience with her and doesn't take the time to do much with her.  A couple weeks ago I tried getting the three of us together to play a couple board games.  It took time away from his video game playing and he acted like it was a huge chore.  I've brought up several times that I'm looking for a 2nd job, that I'm tired of borrowing money from people, and all he says is "do what you have to do".  Not "hey, let ME go look for a 2nd job.  Let ME ask my parents for money."   It's bullshit.  We owe my mom a load of money and can't even afford to pay her back.  Because of our issues handling money, she's going broke.  I feel like shit about it.  On nights where I may be at work later, or have something going on like a migraine or my arthritis is bothering me, you think he could cook dinner?  No, his idea of taking care of dinner is getting something frozen from the store for me to pop in the oven or getting fast food.

I've talked and talked to him about it to no avail.  We've only been married since May, but even then I was debating whether or not I was making the right choice.  But Mom had bought my dress, the families were excited for us and I just couldn't NOT go through with it.  Now, part of me seriously regrets my decision.  Like I said, I love him, but I don't think he's the right mate for me.

Then there's the subject of children.  As far as I'm concerned, my family is complete.  I honestly don't want any more kids.  The idea sounds nice at times.  I would like to have a pregnancy I can enjoy without being told to get rid of it.  I'd like to have happy feelings when I have a baby kicking inside of me...but that's about it.  I don't want the 2am feedings.  I don't want another person totally dependant on me for their every need.  I don't want to have to share the love I have for my daughter with another child.  It sounds selfish, I know.  But Josh wants a son at some point, and I've mentioned to him light-heartedly that I'm not sure, but he just tells me to see how we feel when the time is right.  It's not fair to him if I don't want one.

But, I can't afford the rent on this house by myself.  There isn't any cheaper housing around us except for the ghetto apartments we moved out of.  If I moved in with Mom, I wouldn't even be much help to her because she needs 200 dollars more a month than we pay here.  I'm tired of living in debt and constantly hearing "we'll just pay what we can pay when we can pay it".  A big, huge part of me seiously wishes I hadn't done it.  We don't do anything together.  He isn't very romantic.  I feel like I am taking care of 2 kids a lot of the time.  I mention that I want to cancel my game subscription that we play together, and he tells me not to because it's the one thing he enjoys us doing together.  

Sometimes, I just want to not come home to this place after work.  Sometimes, I think about picking up my daughter after school and just going to Mom's and not coming home.  Calling him and telling him it's over, to find a place to go.  I know it will hurt him, but in the end, drawing this out when it's so obviously not working, and I'm not happy, and my daughter isn't happy, who am I hurting more by continuing this? 

Current Mood: depressed

I'm seriously to the point where I hate my job.  I'm not really sure why though.  I think it's the part where my right knee is totally messed up from arthritis plus years of running on a concrete floor.  

It doesn't matter how hard you work there, they don't recognize you for it.  Everyone gets the same piddly raise every year.  Except now, things have changed.  The owner's oldest daughter has taken over the business, so things have gotten more beurocratic.  You get written up for just about anything.  More people have gotten fired in the past year since she took over than in the whole 15 years I've been there.

Bonuses at Christmas are a joke.  You're lucky if you get $100.00.  Last year they messed up and we all got around a grand, but they turned around and took it away from us.  I've had to change my hours due to Elizabeth starting school, and I catch crap for it because I don't have a sitter for when she's sick and whatnot.  I'm trying to save money not paying for daycare, but get told "we've all had to do it". Yet I know one person who can come in when she feels like it and doesn't get anything said to her.

I'm 28 years old, but because I've been there since I was a teenager, a lot of people still treat me like a kid and I have absolutely no respect.  If I take some initiative and try to do something on my own, or offer up an opinion, I get shot down or yelled at.  My supervisor has this knack for making me feel about 1 inch tall whenever I make a mistake because she screams at me in front of everyone.

So, I've made a decision.  I'm going to be posting an ad up on Craigslist and in the local paper.  If I can get enough kids, I'm going to quit my job and babysit full time.  I'm getting CPR certified, calling the IRS to see what I have to do tax-wise and calling Job and Family Services to see what I need to do to be able to work with people who use Title 20.  That way my little one has someone to play with on a regular basis, I'm here for her in the summer and I'm my own boss.  I've been feeling the pull in this direction for quite some time now.  

On another, totally unrelated note:  I really do hate it when people stop talking to me for no reason.  It's rather impolite and hurtful to not respond to texts, emails and other forms of communication.  If someone is going to stop talking to me, I feel that I am at least owed an explanation as to why this is happening.  As far as I know, I've done nothing to this person to warrent this type of treatment. 

I got a nudge, which means my adoring fans miss reading my ramblings! ;p j/k

Anyway, a little update on where life is I guess.  Finally getting our financial stuff straightened out.  I was actually able to pay all the bills this week.  That fills me with a huge sense of satisfaction!  Things are turning around.  We've been doing better about or spending for the most part.  We splurge on things here and there, but we aren't going to the extreme of eating fast food all the time like we were.  

Elizabeth starts 1st grad on Monday.  That makes me feel so old!  She keeps growing, and I pretty sure that by the time she's 10, she'll be taller than me.  The kid is 6 and is over 4 feet tall already.  I'm changing my work hours so that I can take her to school and pick her up.  No reason for her to be latchkey or to pay for daycare when I have a job that will let me be there for my family.  My parents were always there for me before and after school, I intend to be there for her to help with homework and listen to her about what's going on in life.  

Still no more babies.  I know it will come with time, but it's getting a little frustrating.  I want to have one more for Josh.  After that I'm done I think.  So I pretty much so just want to get it done with.  Most of the time I feel like my family is complete the way it is, but he does deserve to have his own progeny, and I have to admit that I am interested in seeing what kind of little person we'd make.  

10 days until the 2nd anniversary of Dad's death.  I'm handling it fairly well.  I found my brother's kids on Facebook and they ignored me.  I just wonder what my brother and his wife told them about my mom and me to make them hate us so much.  I used to love those kids. 

Anyway, time to get ready for work!

so we haven`t had cable for about a month. No big deal really, just a testament to how we handle our bills i guess. We gave up on the baby idea for now. He thinks it`s because we cant afford it, but really i don`t want another. Not sure we can anyway. Bah. Want to do more but this blogging on phone not working too well. Later!

Just for my own curiosity, I watched the video.  I shouldn't have, because it made me sick.  Sicker still were some of the comments left below, those who say she died for stupidity.  Those who say that these clerics are all knowing and supreme.

I've never been much into politics.  But how can we, whose nation was founded on the blood of revolution, keep our backs turned while these people thirst for change?  How can our president continue spouting his rhetoric about how they need to sort this out for themselves?  It doesn't make sense at all.  The Iranian people are oppressed.  They voted in a false election for someone who doesn't even rule the country.  In every publication I've read, it says that the Ayatolla is the supreme leader, not the president.  Why can't we take these bastards out? 

Current Mood: sad

If there is one person or more on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

Most people know my dad died about two years ago.  A lot of people don't know he wasn't my biological father.  I found out when I was about 7 years old or so.  Mom had been going through a divorce, met a guy, and poof there I was.  She'd met my dad, they were going to get married, so mom and Bill (the guy that helped create me) decided it would be better if he weren't around.  So, my dad adopted me, gave me his name and whatnot.

Through the years, I've toyed with the idea of meeting Bill.  I always wondered if I was anything like him or his other children.  He had 3 other girls and a son.  I called his house once when I was 15, but chickened out and hung up the phone.  I was going to call him before the wedding, but was afraid of barging in on his life.  

Now I can't call him.  He died yesterday.  There's way too many questions I had for him that I'll never get answered.  I'll never have the chance to get to know him now, and it sucks.  His showing is on Monday and I'm going.  He and mom had kept in contact over the years, and he really did care about me, so I'll go.  See if his other kids ever knew anything about me and whatnot.

It feels so good now that the wedding is over.  I didn't realize how much I'd actually been stressing over it.  I feel like a whole new person now, a lot more calm.  We can finally focus on what's important now that the hoopla is out of the way.  Had a pretty good honeymoon too.  Josh got us a nice hotel room Downtown close to a lot of things we'd wanted to see.  He had a bottle of champagne, roses and the whole nine yards waiting for me.  Perfect wedding night! 

We went to the zoo on Sunday, I got a lot of good pics.  All the animals were sleeping, but it was cool enough that they were outside sleeping, so I managed to get some adorable pictures I'll have to get up sometime soon.  Monday we came home.  We'd planned on going to the art museum, but apparently they're closed on Mondays, so we'll try again another time.  Tuesday night, his dad got us a cabin the Hocking Hills by Old Man's Cave.  Oh my god it was breathtaking.  I'm not a horribly religious person, but being out in the middle of the woods under the stars is the perfect religious experience for me.  The cabin had an outdoor hot tub, and there wasn't anyone around to bother us, so after the sun went down, we made a fire and for the first time ever, I got to feel night air on my bare skin.  It was so relaxing to lean back in the hot tub and watch the stars through the trees.  I don't think I'll ever forget it, and we're going to try to go back at least one night a month if we can.  It's the perfect place to go if you need to hit the "reset" button on life and put everything into perspective.  Wednesday, we went to Old Man's Cave.  Look it up.  The waterfalls and everything are absolutely breathtaking.  I got some pictures of the place, but they don't do it justice at all.  It's a hike, not just a nature walk.  I would have liked to have stayed longer, but I messed my knee up the other day pretty bad, and walking and I aren't getting along too great right now.

Tonight, we're having all of our friends over for a honeymoon wrap up party.  Just feeding everyone and getting them drunk, thanking them for their help with the wedding and whatnot.  The wedding, while beautiful and a great symbol, wasn't that important.  The important thing is from here on out, our actual marriage.  For all my bitching about Josh, I can't see me spending the rest of my life with anyone else.  You take the pros, you take the cons, you mix them up.  Now, wipe away those cons, flaws, whatever you may call them.  Yup, I'd miss them if they were gone.  Besides, you can't have all good times.  Doesn't matter what the relationship is, if it's all silver clouds and bunny rabbits all the time, it'd get awefully boring!!! 

Current Mood: content

I'm seriously getting married on Saturday.  Kindof really hard to believe when I think about it.  Honestly, 3 years ago when we met, I never thought he'd be the one I'd marry.  Funny how Fate intervenes sometimes, isn't it. 

I've tried and tried to cheat fate.  Seriously.  Hasn't worked out very well to be honest.  I felt my heart going one way, but then things happened and I ended up going another way...and that pertains to pretty much so everything in my life.  In love, I always thought I'd wind up with someone else.  I could almost envision being with someone else into old age.  But, things happened, and that didn't go as I'd planned.  My chosen career was music.  Once again, things happened, and now I see myself being a sign language interpreter at some point.

Someone asked me a while back if I really was happy.  The answer is yes.  I am happy.  Josh is good to me, fun to be around, and we've got real solid plans for our future.  Do I sometimes with things were somewhat different?  Yes.  A part of me will always and forever be someplace else, dreaming and wishing things weren't they way they are.  I will forever have the "What-ifs" coursing through my soul.  But I can't do anything about them.  

Dad used to always tell me to expect the worst, but hope for the best.  That's what I do.  I expect that I'll never see someone very dear to me again.  I hope that one day I will, that I can hold them and tell them how much I love them.  Realistically, it will probably never happen.  But that's what dreams are for, why we have wishes.  Occasionally, I see them in a dream.  For a moment, I can touch them and hold them.  Sometimes it breaks my heart.  But, life is what it is.  I'll be Josh's wife in a matter of hours.  I look forward to the future, but I'll always have a fond look to the past with hopeful glances toward the future, whatever it may hold.  I'll never burn my bridges, I'll always be here for those who are dear to me.

Eight days until the "big day".  Am I nervous?  No.  We've been living together for what, 3 years now?  Still learning new things about each other, and things seem to get better with age.  I'm nervous about the ceremony.  I'm afraid I'll mess something up, or trip as I'm walking down the aisle in my high heels, or spill something on my dress at the reception.  I'm a little sad about changing my name.  But it's a new beginning, and new beginnings are to be hailed.

I never thought I'd ever actually get married.  There's still a part of me that sometimes doesn't think it's real.  But it is, and I'm thankful.  I love him so much.  We have our issues, but you'll have problems with anyone you're around constantly.  We'll have ups and downs, but the ups so much outweigh the downs.  If you don't have bad times, how can you appreciate the good times? 

I wish I could put into words all the good he's done for me.  He's the only one who was capable of helping be able to be who I'm supposed to be.  I don't have to pretend with him.  There was a hole in my heart when I met him.  It was dark and nasty and growing.  But I handed him the duct tape and glue and he fixed it.  

Sometimes I still look back and wonder if things could have been different for me.  I know they could have, but would they have been good?  There's no way of knowing.  I do have regrets about my past, but if it weren't for the things that happened in the past, I wouldn't be who I am today.  I wouldn't have those important lessons to live by, and I'd take everything I have for granted.  

And...today would have been Mom and Dad's anniversary.  They would have been married for 27 years.  I miss you dad.  I hope you're watching me next Saturday and that you're there with me when I say my vows.  I'll try to remember the things you taught me and keep them in my heart.  I'll try to be as good of a person as you thought I could be.  I'm sorry our family fell apart after you left, I wish things could have been different.  I miss my brother and the good times we had, but he made his decision and I can't change his mind.  

You guys have seen me talk about my cats, I'm sure.  Well, Tubby, the oldest is <i>my</i> boy.  He only wants me to hold him, love him and what not.  He crawls into bed with me, only purrs for me and is just sweet.  So here's my problem.  I know that un-neutered cats can have marking issues.  I understand that, I accept that.  We keep the litter box clean, he doesn't seem to be sick or anything.  So why on god's green earth does he get into <i>my</i> clothes and mine alone and mark them up?  He doesn't piss on the bed, on Josh's things or anywhere else, just on any clothes I happen leave lying around.  There's no pattern to it, I'll just go to get the dirty clothes to take downstairs, and I'll get a noseful.  Halp!?

My friend Josh (not MY Josh) got out of jail and he'll be at the wedding!  They just called to surprise me with the news!  He's going to Josh's concert tonight and I'm the only one who knows! *does a lil dance*

Foot in mouth disease?  I haz it.  I just can't stand it though when I say something in jest and people take me freaking seriously then stop talking to me and ignore my attempts to smooth things over.  Yesterday was just a shit day all around.  My car got repossessed in February, it got sold in auction, so now i'm working with the collection agency to repay the money.  These people are calling me 3 and 4 times a day, and I'm trying to figure out how to pull about 1200 dollars out of my ass.

That combined with finishing planning this wedding is stressing me out.  I ended up with a killer headache yesterday.  

Icing on the cake was this:  I wanted to try to see a friend I haven't seen since last year.  Their significant other didn't want me to visit.  Fine.  I was disappointed and sent them a text message saying "can't you tell them pretty please".  This illicited a responce of something along the lines of bringing up a sore subject and making it worse.  I agreed, and just told them I was disappointed.  But after that point, friend quit responding to my texts, wouldn't reply to emails or anything.  So now I'm assuming they're mad at me and are currently not speaking to me.

Not what I'd had in mind.  I tried to apologise several times, but now they're ignoring me.  I'd hoped to be able to go over for a visit and maybe just maybe get away from the stress and stuff for a little while, that's all.  Not throw a monkey wrench in relationships or say something to piss them off, so now I'm stuck with a pissed off friend who isn't talking to me and me feeling like shit about saying something stupid.  I give up.  I can't make everyone around me happy, although I try.  I'd wanted to try to make this person feel better about things they had going bad in their life, but just managed to make things worse.  I wasn't mad about not being able to go over, but now I'm mad because they seem to not be speaking to me.  Ok, not mad, hurt.  Maybe I'm percieving it all wrong and something happened and I'm just a paranoid person who blows things out of proportion, but I just wish I could apologise and make things right is all.

Current Mood: sad

He came in last night with a pretty red rose and a deadly chocolate cake and a card that made me cry!  They both sang Happy Birthday to me and life was good!  Not to mention he gave me quite possibly the best birthday lovins ever!  All I can say is "Ommfg, I didn't know you could do that!"  My co-workers surprised me with a wonderful chocolate cake too, and they're taking me out to lunch tomorrow.  Mom's taking me out to dinner tomorrow too.  I feel like I'm walking on cloud 9 right now.

Life is going a little too good right now.  I'm waiting for the crash and burn as is generally happens when things start going well for me.  I gots lots of love and that makes me happy.  Josh's bachelor party is this weekend, and I'm hoping I can get out and go to another party the same night, providing my mom will babysit.  I asked her about it last week and she told me that it's Josh's night to have fun, not mine.  I'm planning on staying over there Saturday, but if I can talk her into babysitting, I'm going out to have a good time and meet some new people.  I so need to get over this goddamn agoraphobia.

That sucks.  Almost every time I make plans with friends, I cancel them because I worry about the people who will be there, whether I know them or not.  I wonder how I'll be percieved, if I'll have fun, if they'll like me.  Half the time I just don't want to leave my house.  I'm working on fixing that.  Called an invited myself over to a friend's house over the weekend.  We sat around and watched movies all night, was a great girl's night.  

All in all, I've had a great past few days.  I <3 life.

Current Mood: chipper

"...lest ye be judged yourself."

Perfect words to live by, yet very few people follow this tenet.  Too many people poke their noses in where they aren't wanted, offering up words of advice where none were asked for.  "If I were you..." too often I hear that combination of words and it sickens me.

Who is society to dictate how I live my life?  Who is society to tell me who I may love and who I may not?  Who is this "they" I hear about on a constant basis telling me that my decisions are wrong, my feelings are unwarranted and that I must suppress them?

The truth is...the truth will never be known until the last day when we are all gone and looking back at what is left behind.  We will look at the world we lived in and ask ourselves "was it worth it?".  

I tell you this:  When I am old and laying in my death bed, I will indeed look back on my life and say "Yes, it was worth it".  I lived my life the way I wanted to, not as I was told to.  I will love who I want to love, live how I want to live and do as I see fit to make my happiness a priority.  Without happy people, how can we live in a good world?  If what we do is supposed to be bad, then why doesn't it feel that way? 

Current Mood: thoughtful

Happy Easter Everyone!

Current Mood: happy

Yeap, 28 days til I get married.  I honestly never thought it would happen.  Had such a string of bad luck with men, that I never expected to find someone I'd actually want to spend the rest of my life with, or who could tolerate me for the same.  It almost didn't happen.  I was so close to leaving at one point.  But when someone has faults of flaws, you have to look at them and ask yourself "would I miss those flaws if they were gone?"  and the answer for me is yes.  So he doesn't do absolutely everything around the house, but that's why there's 2 of us in this together.  He may not buy me jewelery or expensive gifts, but at least once a week I get to look forward to my favorite candy bar waiting for me after a long stressful day.

He called his mom last night, so I guess things are reconciled there.  So long as she doesn't show her ass at the wedding, I'll be fine.  The first time she even looks like she's going to get an attitude about anything, I'll have her thrown out.  I can't stand her, but I don't have a choice, she's still his mother.  I'll be damned if Elizabeth ever stays the night with her again.  She's too volitile and unpredictable.  I have no idea of knowing what she'd do to my daughter if she did something bad.  She's tried to take over too many things in Josh and his brother's lives, she's going to learn that I'm the one that rules this roost, not her.  Josh is with me on this, so he knows the next time she pulls any shit with me, she's getting an earful.  I honestly think it was wrong for him to call her.  I mailed out her invitation for the wedding, I think he should have waited for her to call.  She owes us a huge apology for what she did, and I'm loathe to speak to her until I hear one.  That's twice she's fucked with me, the last time was at one of Josh's shows and she nearly ran me over in her car because she was drunk and pissed off at her boyfriend.  I didn't get an apology then either.  I deserve respect and I'll have it damnit.

Being a girl totally sucks.  I'm uncomfortable, hurting, bitchy and pissy.  Yuk. 

In other news, I made a Twitter account just to see what it's all about.  I don't get it.  Don't know how to use it.  I thought I could find some sort of Melo thing on there, can't figure out what's going on there.  I have 1 follower :( hence I'm not that interesting lol.  It is kindof interesting to read what some famous ppl like Trent Reznor and Dave Navarro have to say.  Especially to each other.  But, I'm just not finding it that useful.  eh, I'mjust not that connected I guess.

I went to an ASL social last night.  there's a little bar and grill on the other side of town, where the first Friday of every month the Deaf community and local ASL students and teachers get together.  It was an awesome experience.  Everyone was so welcoming and helpful.  I am so stoked to sign! 

Spring quarter starts tomorrow.  I'm taking ASL 1 and pre-algebra.  I have to be at campus from about 1 in the afternoon until 6:30 at night Tuesday and Thursday.  So, I took this weekend to try to clean up the house and catch up on a few things.  The wedding gets ever closer with bridal showers and bachelor(ette) parties scheduled.  We just need to dig up some cash for a few things and it's all settled.  Personally, I would have rather things been a lot smaller, but somehow, we're managing to pull everything off.  I gotta take mom for her colonoscopy today, yuk.  But it has to be done.  Anyway, I'd better get going.  

Everything is all planned.  We've got the church for the ceremony and the hall for the reception.  We have our music chosen and Josh and his guys are going on Monday for their tuxes.  My girls have their dresses and everything.  Planning the bridal shower tonight with them.  Josh's mom is no longer involved and is no longer speaking to us.  She was going to help pay for the catering, but took that to mean that she could just up and move our reception to a whole new venue, pick our menu and our decorations.  Josh said something to her about it, she freaked out, told him to "forget you ever knew me" and hung up on him.  Hasn't spoken to us yet.

We had to move the date up, so instead of May 23rd, it's going to be May 9th.  Invites are going in the mail Monday hopefully.  In all, we're really excited and more than ready to seriously start our lives together.  Babies will follow soon we hope.

If you would like to hear the music for our ceremony, and because I wanna show it off ;p here's a list of what we're playing at our wedding ceremony.  You can go to YouTube and find them all if you want to give them a listen!

For the bridesmaids and groomsmen to walk down the aisle "Marble Halls" by Enya.  They will start to walk down beginning on the 2nd verse because well, the words just work damnit!

For my daughter and my mom and me to walk down the aisle:  "Pachelbel's Canon in D".  I found a celtic version with bagpipes and violins last night on YouTube.  LOVE IT!

When we are pronounced man and wife and take our first walk together:  "Prelude" from FFIV.  Trust me, it works!  

My friend Penny has 4 sisters and they all have very angelic voices.  I'm having them sing "The Rose" a capella for our first dance and husband and wife too.

Current Mood: dorky

Dresses:
Mine - bought and altered
Elizabeth's - bought and altered
Maids of honors' - bought
Hall - rented
Food - Know who I want to do it, just need to contact him
Cake - Know who I want to do it, know which one we want, just need to contact her
Tux - That's up to Josh, he needs to get on that
Guest list - Complete
Invitations - Designed and ready to print out, will be mailing them next weekend
Rings - Know what we want, just need to get them bought
Decorations, flowers - Need to get with step-mother-in-law to go shopping for those, aquired several vases and placecards from a friend for dirt cheap
Registry - Know where I want to register, need to get with mom and Maids to go get it done.  Registering at either Lazarus or Macy's and Target and Lowe's.  Macy's/Lazarus have nice things I could never buy for myself.  Target is fairly midranged and just about anyone can find something there.  Lowe's has flowers, gardening supplies, birdbaths and birdfeeders for my yard.

We're not taking a honeymoon.  Getting married on Saturday, back to work on Tuesday since it's Memorial Day weekend.  We never booked anything, it's too late now, so screw it.  Not seeing the point of a honeymoon anyway.  I see him every day, don't need a vacation, work's too busy.

A little nervous about changing my name.  I feel like it's going to separate Elizabeth and me somehow and it sounds weird when I say my first name with his last.  Plus I'll have to change my journal!!!  

Current Mood: anxious

A real camera now.  They were on sale, I had the tax return, so poof, nice pictures!  I'll be posting up random pics of my cats, kid and life soon!

Dad would have been 75 on Friday.  It's been rough.  I wanted to get him a birthday card and I couldn't.  I so need him right now.  Sometimes, when I'm at Mom's house by myself, I can almost feel him there, so I talk to him a little here and there.  I've accepted that yes, he was verbally abusive, but I hesitated to use that term when he was alive.  It's hard to accept that someone you love could be abusing you, so you don't deal with it.  You just figure he's just strict, or old, or he had a rough upbringing, and it's just who he is.  But Mom and I have been talking a lot, and we know what it was.  It doesn't make us love him any less, but it's helped me in the healing process and it's helped me be more patient with my daughter.

I'm getting married in May, and Dad was supposed to walk me down the aisle.  I'm also having issues with giving up his last name, so I've been thinking of hyphenating my last time.  I want to do something to honor his memory at the ceremony, since I can't have a father/daughter dance.  I may sing Buddy Holly's "True Love Ways".  It was a favorite of ours.  Mom's going to walk me down the aisle, and  I know Dad will be there in his own way.

Life, in many ways has become much simpler since he passed away.  I know it may sound horrible, but I am freer, more confident in myself.  I don't question every single decision I make any longer.  I go where I want when I want without needed to check in with someone.  I buy the things I need without asking and accounting for my money to anyone but myself.  I make plans without considering how this may affect my relationship with anyone, and I keep friends without thinking I may offend someone by who I decide to hang out with.  

When Dad was alive, he took my paychecks and paid my bills.  He allowed me a certain amount every payday to buy things I needed like gas and whatnot.  If I needed more money, or ever came home without a receipt, World War three broke out in my house.  If I went out with friends, most of the time I lied about where I was going because I couldn't tell him I may be going to a bar, or spending money on food or entertainment.  I had to hide some friends from him because of some imagined transgression they made against him.  He had one incident where apparently five years ago, before I even met Josh, he got out of a truck in our town and threatened my dad.  Even my best friend of 12 years wasn't immune to Dad's wrath.  He banned her from coming to our house once because he thought she had an attitude problem because she didn't say hi to him one time.  And dating...Every time I met a guy, he was bad.  Didn't matter if Dad had met them or not.  It got worse after I had Elizabeth, because Dad thought that every guy I met would think I was loose or looking for a father for her.  He figured every guy would view me as a target, so on the few times I did date, I kept it a secret from everyone.  I couldn't go to school because there was no way I could afford it and ensure my child was taken care of.  If I said I was working late, he would drive to my job to make sure I was actually there.  If I was five minutes late from work, he would assume I'd been out doing something horrible.

But for all that, he was my Dad.  I loved him greatly and would give almost anything for one more fight with him.  Why?  Because no matter how bad the fight, how horrible the words were he used against me, it always ended up with him and me in his office having a heart to heart.  We'd talk, he'd play his old music, and oh god I miss him so much.  He shouldn't have gone when he did.  It's not right.  He should be here right now yelling at me about what I'm doing with my life, talking me out of getting married, making sure my bills are paid and loving his granddaughter.  For everything he did to me in life, I'm more pissed off at him at how he left me.  He wasn't supposed to go then.  He was supposed to get off those machines and get better and come home so I could take care of him.  He never woke up!  He went in for stupid tests on his GI system, that's all.  Ended up in a goddamn coma and he never woke up, no matter how much I yelled at him and begged him.  No matter how tightly Elizabeth held his hand, or how much we cried, he never woke up.  He just layed there and gave up.  Didn't even think ab out me.  He could have woke up if he'd wanted to.  I just don't understand why he wouldn't.  

It's the end...right?

Anyway.  Found someone and brought them back into my life last year.  Finally came to the conclusion, however that I don't need them.  I don't love them like I used to, and this person will never be a really good thing for me to have in my life, or in my daughter's life for that matter.  I don't feel anywhere near how I used to for them.  As a matter of fact, I've broken several plans with them and when I see them pop up online, I don't even bother speaking to them anymore.

We don't have anything to talk about really.  Not much in common at all.  It's not that I don't like this person anymore, it's just that we've drifted so far apart, there just isn't anything left.  I tried to rekindle a relationship with them last year, but frankly, it was going nowhere fast.  I do wish this person all the best.  I know that you'll read this, so here:

It's really not you.  It's me.  I grew out of you.  The excitement isn't there anymore.  My heart doesn't flutter.  I don't want to have to explain you to my child when she tries to figure out what's going on with her mixed up family.  I don't want to have to explain or hide you from Josh either.  You can't have what you want with me or Elizabeth and have me be able to be with Josh as well...it'd never work.  I truly hope this doesn't upset you, but it's just the way it has to be.  I had a fantasy of us all getting along and going along the path of life together, but I truly think Fate has other ideas.  If Fate changes her mind, we will cross paths again one day.  I'm sure of it.  I will always love you, but it isn't the pining sort of love anymore, it's the thoughtful unregretful kind that thanks you for all you've done for me as a person.  <i>Auf Weidersehn mein Leibchen</i>

Before I begin, I don't know how to the LJ cuts.  If you don't want to get up close with my personal life, don't read
this.  I'm not going to pay attention to any negative comments about what I choose to do with my life.  It's mine, not yours.  Anyway....

A couple of weeks ago right after we moved, we had a party.  I wanted to have a nice get together with all of our friends where we weren't cramped into one tiny room.  We had food, booze, games and fun.  My best friend Penny even stopped out for a bit.  All of our friends were here, even this girl we met at a New Year's party, Stephanie.

I had a crush on her from the moment I met her.  She's cute, intelligent, outgoing, but there's this vulnerable thing in her eyes that just instantly drew me to her.  Now, for the past 8 years or so, I've been going back and forth with the idea that I may possibly be bi.  Only time I've ever acted on it was about 5 years ago or so, I was drunk and kissed a couple of girls.  

Last year, I embraced the fact that I was possibly poly.  Also, haven't acted on that a whole lot either, although Josh and I have talked about it a lot.  We toyed around with the possibility of finding a girl to experiment with, just to see what it would be like and if the attraction I felt toward other women was real or not.  Well, apparently it is.  I spent most of the paryt with Stephanie.  I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time, and wound up spending a lot of time making out with her and holding her.  (Josh is 100% ok with every bit of this, for the record, so I'm not cheating).

In any case, the night ended with her in my bed, and me not confused and feeling awkward like I thought I would.  I fell asleep with her in my arms and me in Josh's arms and honestly, it felt right.  I'm keeping her lol.  She's a good girl going through a lot of bad things emotionally right now, and while I'm not saying I want something super serious with her, I do have feelings for her and want to continue to be close to her.  However, I do not feel that I could get all of the emotional and physical fulfilment I need from a woman.  While I find her beautiful and alluring, I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with her AND Josh, only with Josh.  So, we'll call it a fling for now and see where it goes.  I want my daughter growing up open minded and not afraid to show how she feels for people, so I'm not even afraid of what she may think about all of this.

Finally totally relaxing.  I haven't done that in a while.  Took a nice hot girly bubble bath last night with bath beads and the whole nine yards.  I haven't done that in months!!

I woke up at 5 this morning and was hoping for a nice relaxing cup of coffee, the news and some quiet.  Nope!  Elizabeth got up with me, then right after her was Josh.  Sat around with both of them for a while, then when Josh made no move to start working on boxes, I started unpacking.  We made a lot of progress today, it's almost all done.  I'm thinking we can finish all the unpacking tomorrow.  There's still a mountain of laundry to do, but slowly but surely, I'm making it through.

Going to give Elizabeth a bath here in a minute, then a hot shower.  I've got stupid cramps and a stupid headache from the damn asthma attacks.  I've got to watch alcohol consumption for a while or I'm going to wind up having another episode.  I think the headaches that accompany my asthma attacks might be from lack of oxygen to my brain, and that's no good.

We were supposed to have a housewarming party next weekend, but we need to put it off because I have to work all weekend now.  I'm not much of a partier anyway.  I invited a few people, but I doubt any of them will show up.  Josh's friends will all be here, so it'll mostly be drinking and playing freaking rock band or something.  They'll want to stay late and all that, and I'll probably be ready for bed by midnight lol. 

Anyway I'm off, little one needs a bath and I need ibuprofin and bed.

Current Mood: sore

We moved over the weekend.  I have no idea how the hell we fit everything we own into that tiny apartment!!  I'll be glad when we get all the boxes unpacked and I can relax and actually enjoy the house.  I made dinner last night for the first time in about a month.  Only have a few more boxes to go through, then I can start actually decorating.

I started back to class this week too.  I'm re-taking my English class from summer quarter since I didn't finish it out.  I'm also taking a computer class that seems like it'll be pretty fun and easy.  All in all, I should finish up winter quarter with a 4.0.  I still don't have my books though because my financial aid check hasn't gotten here yet, so all the assignments that are due this week for my comp class won't be turned in til next week :(  The teacher says it's ok though, it shouldn't ruin my grade providing I don't turn in late work too much.

Absolutely wonderful!  Got off to a rocky start though lol!  We had a bit of freezing rain come through Tuesday night.  When I was getting ready to head to mom's Wednesday, I didn't pay attention and ended up falling on the sidewalk.  I landed full force on my knee and it's all bruised with a bump on it and I twisted my ankle up pretty bad.  To add insult to injury, when I tried to get up, I slipped and fell into a mud puddle.  If it hadn't of hurt so bad, I would have been laughing my ass off.

Christmas Eve day I spent with my mom and Elizabeth.  She made a huge breakfast for us and a couple friends of our family.  That night we went to Josh's dad's house.  Elizabeth got about 6 Barbie dolls from Grampa Russ, which was great!  She was having so much fun.

Josh made me cry though!  The first box I opened up had inside of it a guitar strap, a bunch of picks, a tuner, strings and a cord...I looked at him from across the room and said "Um...what's this?"  He told me that I wasn't supposted to open that one yet.  After that, I opened up some things that Josh's stepmom got me, which included a nice shirt, a set of ceramic baking pans (sweet!), some extremely soft bathtowels and a sterling silver and onyx ring.  

Then the last package under the tree was given to me and the whole room was watching me.  It was a brand new electric guitar!  It is deep hunter green...Josh knows I've been wanting to learn, and he got me a guitar, even in my favorite color.  Believe it or not, I cried like a baby.

After that, we went back to my mom's and spent the night over there.  We've been sorta in the process of moving, so I never got our tree up or anything.  We wanted Elizabeth to have a Christmas tree and have fun on Christmas, so we decided that we'd stay over there.  Christmas morning, things got even better.

This is the first year Elizabeth was totally excited on Christmas morning.  I got her everything that I knew she'd wanted.  It may be her last year of believing in Santa, and I really wanted to make it special for her.  There was one thing she had really wanted.  It's this stuffed lion cub that purrs and moves and acts like a real baby lion.  When she opened that up, the look on her face was absolutely priceless.  She's spent the past two days carrying it around and caring for it.

All in all, it was a wonderful Christmas.  Very relaxing, very fulfilling.  I overspent a little on my mom and got her a 200 dollar necklace with her birthstone and diamonds on it.  Her watch died, so I got her a new watch.  When I was over paying for the necklace, they had a "Mother & Daughter" watch.  The band is made up of links of the mother & daughter symbol.  The cool thing is, that mom got me a ring with the same symbol on it, so we each have something very special.

Elizabeth is staying with my mom the remainder of the weekend.  Unfortunatly she can't bring any of her cool new toys home yet because we'll be moving this week and we don't want to move all our Christmas stuff twice, or have it get lost or anything. 

Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful wonderful Christmas!

Current Mood: chipper

Below is an email conversation between my sister-in-law and myself.

Cherish Griffis <winterwisp@gmail.com> Wed, Dec 3, 2008 at 3:51 PM
To: Michelle <winsteadsgallery@sbcglobal.net>
Listen, I've never been good at making phone calls or anything like
that. I'm not good at saying what's on my mind face to face or over
the phone. It's always been pounded into my head that my opinions
don't matter and if I have something to say about a subject, I need to
keep it to myself and not speak up. It's always been easier for me to
write things. That being said, this should probably go to Ken, but I
don't have an email address for him, so I hope that you can pass this
along to him.

I want to start of by saying that I am not in any way, shape, or form
trying to cause any friction or problems with or for anyone. But I do
need some things cleared up. I had noticed that neither my mom nor me
had heard from you in a long time, so the other day I called Ken. I
asked if you guys were doing anything for Thanksgiving and I was told
that no you were not. It really bummed me out not being able to spend
Thanksgiving with my family. Instead, I spent it with Josh's family.
While they're great people and I love them, they aren't my family, you
guys are. I almost picked the phone up about five times that day to
call you guys, but I didn't want to come off as harrassing or
anything. I just wanted to see you and spend some time with you.

Ever since I was little, Ken has been my hero. When dad became sick
and Elizabeth saw more of him, Ken became a kind of hero to her too I
guess. She got quite attached to her Uncle Ken. Ken told me that he
would always be there for me. He even told Elizabeth that. I thought
that after Dad passed away, we'd all become closer somehow. Something
like that should have pulled us all together. Instead, it seems that
we've all drifted apart. Now, if I've done something to upset you
guys somehow, I am totally unaware of it and I do apologise. If
you're upset because I don't call or anything, I'm sorry and I'll try
to call more. I really would like to have the whole family together
for Christmas this year.

To Ken, if anything at all has made you upset, please talk to me about
it. I don't want us to fall apart. You're my big brother and you
always will be. I love you and you guys are the only family aside
from Mom that I have left. My phone number is 000-000-0000. Please
call me. If I'm not home, I'm generally at mom's on Wednesday and
Thursday evenings doing laundry. I'll meet you anywhere you want and
we can have coffee or lunch and talk. I just want to know if
something is wrong and bring back these connections we seem to have
lost. I know you're horrifically busy with work and family, but so am
I. We have to be able to make time for each other don't we?

Like I said: I am not trying to cause problems, I just want to know
what's going on and how I can fix it. Please get ahold of me as soon
as you get this. I love you all.

-Cherish

--



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Creative Keepsakes <winsteadsgallery@sbcglobal.net> Wed, Dec 3, 2008 at 6:22 PM
To: Cherish Griffis <winterwisp@gmail.com>
Cherish:

Your instincts about what has been going on are completely right. Ken and I
have been keeping our distance from your family. I figured that I would
receive an e-mail or phone call from either you or your mom at some point.
I can't believe that you would be completely surprised at the fact that Ken
has distanced himself. After all of the years of verbal abuse that he had
to put up with from your dad and then to have to relive it when your dad
spoke to you was enough. Honestly, I encouraged him to break things off
from your family sooner but for some reason he felt a "loyalty" (guilt) from
your dad and I respected his wishes to keep that relationship, no matter how
dysfunctional it was. Well, now that your dad is gone, there is no reason
to continue the "fake" hugs during the holidays or uncomfortable dinners
that no one wants attend.

I hope that you and Josh have a wonderful life together and that you find
the family that you long to have. I can tell you that we have absolutely no
plans to celebrate Christmas with your family this year. We have FINALLY
gotten off of the pins and needles that we have lived on for years around
the holidays and plan to enjoy them with our true family.

There is no reason to try and change my mind as I am adamant about this
matter. You can share this e-mail with your mom if you wish but please be
sure to tell her that her phone calls will continue to go unanswered. Also,
please tell your mom that it would be best if she did not have Ken listed as
the Executor of her estate within her will as he has no interest in
fulfilling that obligation.

Michelle

[Quoted text hidden]

Summer's warmth has faded, the sun hangs low in a crystal sky.
Snowflakes fall, flying, drifting, glinting from the cold star.
I mourn not the loss of leaves of green or of robins flying by,
I take solace in the silence of winter's night, when spirits seem not so far.
Embraced in their cold arms, I step out into the moonlight,
My breath a cloud to beckon unto the stars above.
Gleaming in the dark blanket, they light the way to Heaven.
Salvation comes in the burning chill as crystals touch my skin,
And the wind carries with it the voice of Winter's peace.
Close my eyes, lean into the cold Solstice as one of her kin.
Give into the balance as Death takes hold, the world itself seams to cease.

I'm not posting on lj anymore or any other journal site. I've been getting my net access from my mom's house. I walked in yesterday and found her reading through my lj and found out she's been going through all my other net activities. So until our computer gets fixed, I'm done with lj, melo and myspace. I feel like my privacy has been invaded horribly and I've lost trust with someone who I thought was my best friend. I don't know what I did to her that would cause her to thoroughly invade my privacy, I would never do something like that to her, but I am hurt deeply and feel that I can no longer trust anyone and that I no longer have anywhere safe to get out my frustrations about life and basically have a diary, unless I go to the old fashioned paper method.

Current Mood: disappointed

So they've all been counted, and whoopee we have a new president. It honestly does not matter who our president is. They all make tons of promises, yet in the end I have yet to see a president deliver what he has promised. He is a figurehead. The true power in Washinton is Congress and the Supreme Court. More so the courts, seeing as how they have the power to overturn any law they don't like.

I'm not a very politically motivated person. I have my beliefs, I vote for how I feel. I don't get out and support candidates, have protests, or get into huge political conversations. It just doesn't excite me that much. I'm very proud that I have the right to vote, and I feel that if I (or anyone for that matter)doesn't get out and vote, then we have no right to complain about the state of the economy, the war, taxes or the direction our country is taking.

The only thing politic-related that really gets to me is when someone asks me how I voted. A woman at work today came up to me and asked me for whom I voted. When I told her that I don't talk about my politics, she continued to press me for an answer. I finally had to tell her it's not anyone's damn business who I voted for, I don't talk about my politics or my religion. She got so mad at me that she feigned illness and left work.

Later on this afternoon, another co-worker says "Can I ask you a question?" I told her fine, but I wouldn't tell her who I voted for. Instead she asked me if I'd been saved. WTF? I then went on to explain to her that I just don't talk about religion or politics and to please don't ask me anything about that again. It isn't people's business.

Anyway. Tomorrow, two of Josh's friends who are into druidism are having a hand fasting ceremony. I'm not sure exactly what that is, but we're going to it. I guess it's something like their version of a wedding ceremony. I'm curious about it, but not really sure I want to take Elizabeth. She needs religious education. She has no idea about God or the bible or anything, and I'd like her religious schooling to begin with the basics when she's ready. Then when she's old enough, she can make her own decisions about what she believes.

I have arthritis. I've had it since I was little. The weather has gotten cold quick and drastic and my body is KILLING me. I've been having times where I can barely walk and it sucks. ; ;

In other news, hopefully I'm going out on Friday with some friends. That's if mom can babysit and if I don't manage to talk myself out of it like I do every time I have a chance to go someplace. I keep thinking of all these reasons I shouldn't go, can't go, blah blah blah. I'm going, end of story. Anyway, tired and sore and it's time for punkin carving.

Kinda runs in my family. Part of me always kind of scoffed at it. I figured if you're unhappy, find something to fix it. Get a hobby, watch something funny. Talk to someone. It's not that easy when you have depression yourself.

It took me a while to figure out that I've got depression. I cam to the conclusion one day when I was looking at my apartment, and I was like "what the hell?" I can't bring myself to pick up around there. I rarely want to cook meals. On the rare occasions that I have an opportunity to go out and do something, I think of every excuse in the book not to do it. I'm also tired all the time. I have little to no motivation and all I want to do is crash on the couch and sleep.

Now, coming to this realization, there's little I can do about it right now. I need a psychiatrist and medication. However, I don't have insurance and the only place around me that helps low income people has a waiting list to see a doctor 6 months long. No, I don't have suicidal thoughts. No matter how low I've been in life, I've never had a suicial thought. I just get very down and want to cry and have no motivation. I've been trying to give myself a swift kick in the shorts and do more around the house and put on a happier face, and it seems to be working a little. My sex drive is dropping, but whether that's from being depressed or from age, I'm not sure. I rarely want to do stuff. Most of the time, I feel very little, I have to work at having an orgasm or I flat out don't have one. It seems like too much work when all I want to do is go to sleep at night. Sex just isn't as important to me as it used to be.

Anyway, that's my project right now, trying to beat depression. I'm hoping I can manage to snap out of it and soon.

Not much really. Josh and I finally have a solid wedding date: May 23, 2009. Hopefully we can have our crap together by then. He's leaving next weekend to go to Cincinnati for Segoi Con. He's leaving right after trick or treat on Thursday and he'll be back sometime Sunday. It sucks. Last year I think I wound up staying with my mom. The bed gets so freaking cold without him there. But I'm not getting upset about him going. It's the closest thing to a vacation he gets. Besides, last year he called me every night to check in and talk for a few minutes, so it wasn't so bad.

Thought I'd had plans with a friend for next weekend but I was wrong. I guess they just forgot or I thought plans had been set in stone when really they weren't. I feel kinda like a dick, but I'm a little upset about being blown off. I haven't seen this person in months and I had already planned on sending my daughter to my mom's for the night so this person and me could have some time together. I was really looking forward to making a night of it and cooking dinner, maybe some games and movies and stuff. It's like hey, aren't I as important as other friends?

Kinda like my friend Katy. We've been friends since the 7th grade. She went away to college and got into a sorority, now her sorority friends seem to be the only people who matter to her. The last time we actually got to spend any time together, one of her college friends called and Katy spend an hour on the phone with this other person. It's just like Cherish goes on the back burner for everyone, and frankly I'm getting a little tired of it.

I'd just like to know what it feels like to actually matter 100% to someone. I'm there for my friends. I may not necessarily go out of my way for people, but if I make plans, I keep them. I don't allow any other interruptions to occur when I'm spending time with them. If I'm with someone, that's what I'm doing at that point in time. I had a moment with Josh the other day that shouldn't have happened. For no reason at all, I started going off on him right before he took off to go gaming on Saturday. I'm just tired of being kinda alone all the time. My interests don't matter to anyone. The fact that I have no friends or much social life doesn't matter to anyone. I'm just whiny and selfish, I know that. But I've been doing for other people so long, I just want some time to do what I want.

I must be getting ready to start or something. This horrible sad mood just took me over and I can't shake it. Part of me wants to cry, part of me wants to scream at someone and part of me just wants to curl up and go to sleep.

Finances are becomming a huge problem. i've had a free ride on daycare for the past year, but that ends any day now, and then i have to pay for last month and this. I'm behind on all of my bills with no way to get caught up. Josh can't help because he's already paying the majority of rent. I'm praying that I can put enough on the utilities this month where they won't get shut off. I'm just blah right now, dun mind me.

Mommy Stuff
1. Where were you when you first found out you were pregnant?..
Eating something that the father had cooked for dinner. It came right back up for no apparent reason.


2.Who was with you?..
Her father

3.How did you find out that you were pregnant?..
Throwing up lots, confirmed with pregnancy test.


4.What was your first reaction to finding out you were pregnant?..
Shocked, angry, scared and excited

5. Your boyfriends/ or Husbands reaction?..
"get rid of it"

6- Who was the first person you told?..
coworkers

7.Did you plan to get pregnant?..
nope

8. Was everybody happy for you?..
Not really

9.Was anybody hating on you?..
Yeap

10. Did you go out and celebrate?..
Never

11.Did you want to find out the sex?..
yes


12. What was the sex?..
Girly

13.

Did anyone throw you a shower?
Nope

14. If yes, who?..
see above



15. Did you get any outfits at the baby shower that you just knew you weren't going to put on your baby..lol?..
Nah

16. How much weight did you gain?..
about 20 pounds

17. Did you lose all of the weight that you gained?..
Lost it then gained it back

18. Did you get a lot of stretch marks?..
None that I didn't already have

19. What did you crave the most?..
White castles, mcdonald's cheeseburgers, fruit and mashed potatoes

20. Did you crave anything crazy?..
Not really

21. Who or what got on your nerves the most?..
co workers and baby's father. I worked in a restaurant so a lot of shit pissed me off.


22.Were you married at the time?..
Nope


23.Did you have any complications during your pregnancy?..
Morning sickness the whole time

24.Where were you when you went into labor?..
In a car

25.Did your water break?..
Nope

26.Who drove you to the hospital?..
My mom

27.What was your due date?..
June 20th

28.Did you go early or late?..
Little late

29. Who was in the room with you when you gave birth?..
Mom

30.Was it video taped?..
Nope


31. Did you have any drugs for the pain?..
I love epidurals


32.Did you go Natural or have a c-section?..
Natural

33.What was your first reaction after giving birth?..
I was excited and scared

34.How big was the baby?..
6lbs, 8 oz, 17inches long


35. Did your boyfriend/ Husband cry..lol?..
Not that I'm aware of.


36. What did you name the baby?..
Elizabeth Rose

37.Did the baby have any complications?..
Nope

38.How old is the baby today?..
5 years

39.
When will the next one come along?
Hopefully by the end of next year

40. Are you married now?..
Not yet

41. If you could, would you do it all over again?..
For everything and all the stress...yes.

My friend Penny's dad found out he had brain cancer just a few months ago. He was unable to work, her mother was unable to work in order to stay at home and take care of him. His health had been on a steady decline. He'd have his good days and his bad days.

They had a benifit for him last night to raise money for medical bills and household expenses. He stayed for the whole thing, which was kind of surprising since he honestly didn't look that good. Penny called me this morning, and her dad passed away as soon as they got home from the benifit. I'd just ask for people's prayers to help the family through this rough time. They've never had to deal with a huge loss before and it's really tough on them.

Elizabeth, being a kindergartener and in daycare brings home germs all the time. It's been a while since she brought one home, but here I am sniffly, sore throat, achy, spacy and just flat out yukky. At least she's better though. I frankly feel like shit and all I wanna do is curl up in bed and disappear for about three more days.

Josh and I need to start dating or something. I want to take a night and go out and all the topics of conversation have to be things we never talked about before. We'll tell each other things about ourselves that we've never shared before. We always have the same stories to tell each other, the same conversations day in and day out. I want to be excited to see each other! Hell, I wouldn't mind going out the bar once a week and just having a couple drinks or something. I dunno. I'm in a strange mood and have been.

Things at home are going much better. The week of August 25-30th was rough for me. The 30th was the anniversary of Dad's passing. Work was horrendously busy and I was frankly very emotional. I quit school 3 weeks before the end of the quarter. I'm going back winter quarter. Anyway, that week I was doing laundry at Mom's. I had all my clothes here. I've posted a lot about how things have been with Josh, and I was very frustrated with everything. I called him and asked him to come over here.

I planned a discussion with him about things. I decided that if I didn't like the way the conversation was going, that I was going to stay here at Mom's for a while. We sat down and talked for a couple of hours, and it was actually very refreshing. We both got a lot of things off our chests and both decided that we had things we needed to work on. I told Josh I'd give it a couple of months and see how things were going personally and financially.

As of right now, he's paying most of rent until we move. He is also helping out more around the house. I realize that he was brought up as the baby of his family. He's always been somewhat sheltered and spoiled, and because of that, he also has very little perception as to what's going on around him. He can't tell that when I'm in a bad mood, it might be because he forgot to do something around the house. I need to be more vocal and step up and ask for help when I need it.

He was really pushing for us to get married October 25th for some reason. I don't know why he selected that date. I knew we could not put together a wedding by that time, but every time I brought it up, to him it sounded like I didn't want to get married. So, I enlisted the help of his mother. She sat down with us and a calendar, showed us how much time we'd have to get ready and put the financial aspects into perspective. We are now looking at the second or third week of May. Josh's step-mother is doing my flowers and decorations as our gift. His mother may work out the food/catering aspect. Mom bought my dress, headpiece, tiara and Elizabeth's dress as my gift.

We're talking about how to plan future children, and as it stand now, when we get married I'm going off my birth control. That is subject to change. I'm worried about his insurance not kicking in right away. I asked him yesterday to look at his insurance and find out if there is a domestic partner clause in there. He wants at least two more kids, I'd be happy with one. I do want to be pregnant sometime within the next year though. But I want it to be right when it happens. I'd like for us to be in the house and have good insurance before then. He actually wanted to try to plan our baby's birthdate to be October 31st...*long-suffering sigh* That's a little over the top, not to mention I'd have to be pregnant by what, February? Yeah, that's a little too soon for me. I'm thinking the latter half of next year heh.

Mom bought me my wedding dress last week. Here's the link to view it. It's a dream!

http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridal_gowns_detail.jsp?stid=2792&prodgroup=159